New year’s hopes and fears, dreams and disappointments
2009 harboured many fears when it first began. A sucky job with zero job satisfaction and recognition (and I’m not even talking about passion), to finding a job of my dreams (hurrah worklife balance), to being left high and dry with a crumpled resignation letter to the job I’d never thought I could hold. Seriously, many are amused how tumultuous the year has been, not only for my family, but for myself.
Of course, there were moments where I felt belittled, or that all that I was known for, appreciated was the very bane of my existence in the industry I’m in. Well, I would say, I feel grown up. Whether its true, is unimportant. Maturity, after all, is a state of mind. Let’s save ourselves from the philosophical bullshit.
So from rushing down to a god forsaken location with no semblance of public transportation whatsoever, after work, to having a 10-minute interview session that crumbled me, to sobbing on the cab back, telling myself it’s ok to die any moment now, to suddenly realising the experience accumulated from the very jobs that gave me zero-satisfaction paid off. To all the psycho-bitches and bastards in the world, look who’s having the last laugh now.
Some things remained constant. Brother still a perfect boyfriend, Dad still sick, Mom still the OCD mother who never fails to put you down and redeem herself with little thoughtful acts (though rare, they’re somehow existent), to Sugar and I heading into our 4th year, having spent 60bucks on silly-ly unsuccessful BTO applications, to the rapid growth but perennial uber-cuteness of my bunny, I appreciate the fact that, my life is still pretty much in tact. Even though dramas poured on us on the home front, sob-fests, disappointments, frustrations, angst on free-flow, my life is still, good in general.
I guess from here, you know where my priority lies. Sugar asked me this morning, “What is your new year resolution?”. I have many. Not exactly resolutions, but serious to-do tasks. In order of importance….
1. Earn alot alot alot of money
2. Get promoted
3. Lose more weight
I’ve pretty much established myself as a materialistic, superficial bitch. All the other useless stuff like sorting out my wardrobe or tidying up my room don’t count. Because those are not things that will gratify me. They are plain utilitarian.
As you can see, my major goal in life is to earn loads of money. Because in my world, many things are impossible without that. Hospital bills, check-ups, insurance coverage, housing, shoes, utilities, SCV cable TV, clothes all need money. And being able to pay for them makes me happy. Because it means my parents don’t have to pay for them.
Sure, money can’t make you happy. But money can ease worries, alleviate problems, cure ailments. It’s the one thing that I believe in. Before I earn enough money to not work, there’s nothing called self-actualisation. Ford and Taylor would have loved the rational economic man in me. I am mercenary that way.
So, my biggest hope for 2010 is, to get more money, be recognised for the sacrifices I make, for everyone around me to be free of pain.
And like how my little life always works out otherwise, I’m happy where I am, even though I didn’t only take the road less travelled, I didn’t even choose it.
It’s uncanny how life nudges me here and there, on and off, and I end up always at somewhere that, really ain’t too bad. Let me show you.
When I was 6, my Mom tried to enrol me into Red Swastika Primary, which was one of the more… branded ones around. I failed. So I got into Gongshang Primary, like my brother.
When I was 10, there was P4 streaming. I wanted to get into EM1 and be the cream of the crop. I did, but I went into the 2nd class instead of the first.
When I was 12, PSLE. I chose St Nicholas Girls’ School as my first choice. I ended up in Anderson Secondary School, dyed my hair at 14, became the biggest AH LIAN WANNABE in Northern part of Singapore.
When I was 16, O-levels. Finally, I entered St Andrew’s Junior College, my first choice. But I flunked Higher Chinese. I wanted to take History, Maths C, Econs. But there was no such option. So I chose a 4As course, History, Lit, Math, Econs. I flunked Math so badly, I dropped it. I ended up with History, Lit, Econs.
When I was 18, A-levels. I scored an A for Literature at A-levels, the very subject I’d never wanted to take. I got a C for History and an E for Econs. And a bloody A1 for Chinese AO.
When I was 19, there came university application. I applied for NUS. I wanted to read Lit. My score sucked. My GP was a joke of a C6. I was helpless, took up a receptionist job, resigned to being a blue collared worker. And then I got enrolled into SIM’s University of London course. My Mom’s friend’s daughter told her about it. Private schools were out of this world to me at that time. I’d gone to Stansfield before that, obnoxiously wanting to major in Lit. Almost killed my Mom with my stubbornness. I settled for a Business course. Bloody Business course and started a week later than everyone else, missing orientation, and introductory lessons altogether. Have I already mentioned I flunked Econs at As?
When I was 22, I graduated from SIM-UOL with a 2nd Upper Class Honours. Not too bad for someone who’d never wanted to take up Business at all. In the end, I fell in love with it. I loved International Business, I loved Corporate Finance, I loved that false sense of self-importance when you learn about the stock exchange and major MNC’s corporate strategies. I aspired to be a marketer, but my marketing module was a borderline tragedy. Upon graduation, I yearned for a job in an FMCG company’s marketing department. Needless to say, 70% of the female graduates in my league wanted the same damn thing. The remaining 30% wanted to work in banks. I ended up in a media agency. Left after 3 months.
When I was 23, I got into Kodak. I left after 9 months. Had a short stint at an interactive agency. Joined the interior design firm that taught me how to survive in a treacherous environment. I left after 6 months. Looked for a job that allowed me to end work at 6pm.
And then, I turned 24. I landed a job in a shipping and logistics MNC that payed well, allowed me to end work at 6pm. The recession got the better of me. They froze hiring just when I was about to ink the letter. I was jobless. And then the very person who wanted to hire me and then was forced to not hire me, passed me on to her BFF – the one who made me cry on my way back from the job interview. I joined the company after all. And now I’m working with a bunch of crazy people I love so much, have a Boss who drives a real Mercedes (unlike that certain someone) and am feeling satisfied with my job performance like never before.
My life is a sad clump of twists and turns to some. But I call that blessed. To fall but never hit rock bottom. That is luck in itself.
