Am I trying too hard?

This comes with a sick sense of irony, because not too long ago, when the recession first hit Asia, my Boss actually told me a self-reflective piece for our corporate newsletter that says “Are we trying too hard?”.

While I try to struggle juggling Work, Dad, Mom and Boyfriend, somehow somewhere someone forgot that I’m only 1 single entity. And I’m not the sort who is always springing with life. Seriously, I’m competitive, but I’m always the sort who try to pitch wit over hardwork. It has worked very well during my school life, but at this current moment, with this onslaught of events all requiring my PHYSICAL attention, I cannot handle. I cannot cope. I’m telling you, I fucking want to die.

Because somehow somewhere, my Boss decided to forget that my Dad is still in hospital, and asked me why I’ve been so aloof these days. He asked me, what’s wrong? Excuse me, what’s NOT wrong? I’m getting SGD500 in wages for slogging my ass off and I get less than a Macdonald’s counter crew? Like hello? I thought my second upper honours degree would command a higher per hour wage than that? No?

Anyway, I fronted my response with “I’m just too tired.” Woah man, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m supposed to clean up the house today, and it’s 11.43am and nothing’s done yet except that I’ve cleaned my room THOROUGHLY. Yeah. My Mom decided to reprimand me for not having started vacuuming the house when my brother’s room is still in a mess (they’d gone our to grab some medicine) and her room is still not fully cleaned up yet. And so? Vacuuming is NOTHING to me. Do you think I’d be so lazy and stupid to not do it if everything was done and ready to go? I hate it when people doubt me. I fucking hate it.

But before that, my boyfriend had to tell me that I’m not putting enough effort because my house is still not cleaned up yet which means I’m going to go over his place late. I mean. I’m not putting enough effort?

Fuck man, am I trying to hard to make the world go round and continue spinning like nothing is happening at all?

You tell me that I’m not putting enough effort?

YOU TELL ME???

I’m just crying and crying and I just don’t know what to do at all. Why does everyone depend on me? Is it because I’m too nice, too conscientious, too giving?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU.

When I’m gone, you’d better pray your life doesn’t crumble.

~ by janathema on March 15, 2009.